Real Talk: Motherhood Scares Me

by frannybolsa on April 8, 2013

in Motherhood

Real talk. I’m wearing Fear pants. They’re too tight and make my butt look big but I can’t get them off. I seem to be stuck.

fearful me

The Girl Wonder has pierced her own ear. I believe a Piercer in the know would call it a Helix. A tiny little stud in the cartilage at the top of her ear.

She surprised me with it the next day.

If she had asked first, I would have said yes. It’s not as if she wanted to tattoo Bubba’s Girl around her neck.

The sneakiness undid me. Her small mistake reminded me of all my big mistakes.

In my head, she wasn’t just sneaking around making holes in her head. Suddenly, I saw a mini-me. Creeping out of the house at night. Drinking at frat parties. Pretending she was absolutely not coming home from the Point to Point race with a raging buzz. Flunking out of college. Taking the easy road because the hard road is, well, really hard.

Those with therapeutical leanings might call this Projection.

In 2 seconds flat, I took in the ear jewelry and had techno-colored visions of wild teenaged rampages ending in juvenile detention centers where big bosomed guards named Lucy strip search you for fun.

If our relationship can’t handle a conversation about one tiny, stud earring – how will we navigate boys and sex and drugs and rock-n-roll and curfews and broken hearts and all the 7 million tiny other things that can derail life for a minute or forever? I’ve failed some secret test of Motherhood.

It’s a huge responsibility. The raising up of another person to meet the big, bad world head on with common sense, compassion, integrity and no criminal record.

It’s bigger than I feel strong enough to carry. The older she gets, the more scared I get. So Fear becomes the parent instead of me.

If you’re a kid, you can’t sit down and chat with Fear. It gets all judge-y. Wags its finger in your face. It’s a know-it-all. Overacts. Completely flips its lid.

She doesn’t need to repeat my mistakes. She’ll come up with a whole new set for her ownself. I know this. But it doesn’t make me feel any better or swap out my Fear pants for my Sassy pants.

  • Ang

    I remember a certain group of teens and a senior who were involved in a piercing incident many moons ago… I remember a certain someone holding a pillow to his ear when mamma got home and others who made a hasty retreat home….

    I hear ya on the secret failure, I have a teen who crossed a bridge to “womanhood” about 3 months before I knew about it… I couldn’t figure out why I had not been the first to know. It really hurt my feelings & more importantly made me question our mother – daughter communication bonds…. We’ve survived but I doubt I’ll ever get over it.

    • frannybolsa

      Believe me – the certain mother of the certain someone has already reminder her of the DIY piercing incident she took part in her youth. It’s the communication thing – I really thought we had a good thing going. We’ll move on. But it just feels icky right now.

  • gina

    You = you. Girl wonder = Girl wonder. You ? Girl Wonder.

    I have one lil one, you pave the way with good examples. Good advice on the teens, I am unprepared to offer, but the gift of presence and listening are yours.

    • frannybolsa

      You = a sweet sweet friend. I’m glad she’s not me. And only has to worry about being her. Thank you for being present and listening. Sometimes that’s better than good advice.

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